For better or worse--or perhaps for better and worse--I'm a highly introspective individual, always breaking down the simplest events and processing all the implications. And when those more significant days of the year come around--birthdays, new years, or an anniversary of an event--I turn into this strange version of myself, often found staring into a fire, laying on the floor, or sitting long hours in my car. So happy birthdays are often weighty birthdays.
It's as if I hear the kind words and receive these generous gifts--and I'm almost numb to them, these extensions of God's goodness to me. He's shouting His love to me through them and yet I don't hear it because I've already determined what I want and what I think God owes me. I would think over all that was packed into this year and come out wrestling with my reality compared to my ideal. And I wrestle with why, still, God has me in this place. I've decided what's best for me, and He still withholds.
But as my dad calmly reminds me after sitting through another late night rant:
You're here until you're somewhere else.
An odd one-liner, but it was what I needed. To boil down all the strivings and confusions and aches and longings of this year, all boiling in me still. To see things less through my eyes and more through God's heart. I'm not where I was last year. I'm not on a treadmill, a cycle to nowhere. He's healing, teaching, changing, restoring, comforting, and fixing my hope more on Jesus. And it's the biggest injustice I could do Him to not believe fully, daily, that He loves me!
And at just the perfect moment, I hear that familiar, sweet voice over the phone, reminding me, through life opened up, the truth that "this is exactly what God wants for me." If He saw it as a waste or a useless season--clearly the adjectives I find most suitable--He'd get me out! "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." (Yes, Dumbledore said that.) So I want to be present and loosen my grip, to humble myself and receive with open eyes and grateful heart whatever He sees as the best expression of His love in the now.
I'm here until I'm somewhere else. And here is exactly where He wants me.